Sunday, February 22, 2015

Ashes and Tears

I held tightly the bowl of ashes in my trembling hands. I stood as straight as I could … until I remembered the lessons I learned from participating in several weddings and unlocked my knees so I wouldn’t swoon, pitch forward, and make it a memorable Ash Wednesday indeed. The pews before me begin to empty as strangers and friends queue in the aisles, faces fixed in looks of contemplation.

I was asked to administer the ashes during the Ash Wednesday service by our pastor about a week before. It was something I had never done before and while it most certainly isn’t the biggest deal in the world, it seemed to me a solemn and holy service I really felt the Lord wanted me to do. So I agreed.

Ash Wednesday, and the Lenten season as a whole, is meant to be a season of reflection during which we remember our own sinfulness and Christ’s sacrifice. It is meant to be a solemn endeavor aiming to deepen our understanding of just how much Christ’s selfless sacrifice means for us. The more we understand about the depths of our own failures and depravity, the more we understand our inability to produce anything good or holy. Only when we comprehend our un-holiness do we really grasp our absolute need for dependence on a Savior.

As I waited patiently for my role in the service to begin, I started contemplating my own life and my past. My past--- oh, what a sordid picture of me at my absolute most selfish and disrespectful. It continually amazes me (dreadfully) how much of my time, my energy, and my thoughts have been wasted pursuing my own disgusting, horrible goals --- all of which left me empty and depressed.

I held the bowl of ashes in my moist palm. I ran my thumb through the coarse palm remains. I listened as the Scriptures were read: “if My people who are called by My name humble themselves and pray and seek My face and turn from their wicked ways, then I will hear from heaven, will forgive their sin and will heal their land.” Oh how unworthy I am, I thought. There is nothing I have ever done to warrant the way that the Lord has used me, nothing. All that I have been and all that I have done in sin and selfishness should have more than disqualified me from His service, and yet He has seen fit to use me despite my past, despite my shallow faith, and despite my obvious deficiencies. Praise the Lord for His mercy is great!

Tears welled in my eyes (I never cry) as my friends and family approach. I mark their foreheads or hands mechanically while my thoughts remain marked by my own sinfulness and stricken by the boundless mercy of the Lord. His mercy is great indeed.

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