Stars

Up until now I have contented myself to posting the non-fiction ramblings of my brain. They were interesting but also manageable. They were safe. Today I'm going to take a risk and post a short story called "Stars". It's a bit longer (but not so long as to curtail your plans for the evening). Be gentle.

The cracks are the hardest part. All the little bits of stuff get stuck in-between and then you have to go at it with jabbing motions to get them out. You can’t just sweep right over it even though that would be quicker. Sometimes-Nice Ron always wants things to be done quicker. He wants the trash taken out whenever it gets full but I like to do it at 12, 2, 4, and at 6 before I go home. I like sweeping because I can see what I’ve done. I can see the clean parts and where it’s still dirty. Sometimes it’s hard during the fall because the leaves blow all over the place. I like fall even though I have to wear my jacket with the hole on the left arm where the stuffing comes out a little. I like the way the cold air makes the tip of my nose cold. I like the way it smells—like leaves. It’s funny how leaves have a smell but you can’t really say what it smells like. They just smell like leaves.

There are lots of waves on the lake today. It’s Lake Michigan (M-I-C-H-I-G-A-N). I like to watch the boats out in the bay bob up and down, like when you go fishing. The wind causes that. It makes it seem like every wave has a little whipped cream on top. When I was little my dad used to spray the whipped cream in my mouth right out of the can until I couldn’t keep it in my mouth anymore. I would laugh and have to spit it out on the floor. Dad would smile. Sometimes I don’t like to think about my dad.

Sometimes-Nice Ron tells me to come back inside the restaurant because it looks like it’s going to rain. He is one of those funny people who isn’t young but isn’t old either. He could be younger than me or he might be a thousand years old. Sometimes I like to pretend that he is a thousand years old and he is a vampire or something. Vampires can live for a long time without looking old. I saw that in a movie once. There were werewolves too. Sometimes-Nice Ron isn’t a werewolf though. I saw him when there was a full moon. He drove me home because it was raining and the buses had stopped. It doesn’t look like rain. It just looks like grey.

I come back inside and hang up my coat in the break room. Susan has to remind me to wash my hands. “Every employee must wash their hands when returning to work.” Sometimes I forget.

I remember that I brought lasagna for lunch today. I’m happy because lasagna is on my top ten list of favorite meals. Only two and a half more hours until lunch. I like to read books on my break. Sometimes I don’t get all the words but I just skip over those parts. I don’t think I’m missing much. I read a story once about King Arthur and his knights. I liked the parts about the good knights fighting and going on quests. Quests are like jobs but people think you’re awesome for doing them. Sometimes I pretend that I am on a quest. ‘Sir Taylor rides out on his noble steed.’ But the story doesn’t end happy like it should. Arthur is a good king and he shouldn’t have died. Sometimes I don’t like the end of stories. Sometimes real life is like that too.

Sometimes-Nice Ron hands me a red bucket and asks me to wipe down the tables in the lobby. The water isn’t very warm. It’s supposed to be warm. I don’t say anything because sometimes when I point out things like that het gets angry and has to walk away. I like my job. I want to keep my job, so I don’t say anything to him about the water. There aren’t many people eating today. It’s only ten in the morning and we just switched over to lunch. Sometimes they let us have the leftover breakfast sandwiches that haven’t sold. Otherwise they just throw them out. That doesn’t seem right. There is a man and a woman sitting by a window. They’re still eating breakfast (even though its lunchtime). The man is drinking his coffee and looks kind of like my grandpa. The water in my bucket is dirty. There’s little pieces of egg floating around but I don’t want to say anything. The grandpa and the woman get up to leave. When they throw out their stuff I move over and wipe off their table.

There are three men eating near the entrance to the play area. I know I should remember one of them. It’s right on the tip of my brain. It feels like when you’re just about to sneeze but it won’t come out. Sometimes I want to go climb the structure (okay, all of the time) but I know I’m too big. Not too old though. Some of my friends at church play a game called ‘groundies.’ You play tag on a play structure with your eyes closed. It’s really fun but sometimes people don’t want me to play though.

The three men are laughing. I pretend to know what they are laughing about. I smile too. They see me and smile back but not the way my friends at church smile. Maybe they don’t go to church. Every Sunday somebody takes me out to lunch. It’s great because we go to places I don’t normally eat at. One time we went to a place with a big fish tank and I got to look at all the fish swimming and the starfish (which don’t look really alive) and the snake-y fish with its mouth open. I didn’t tell my friends but I was pretending in my head what it would be like to live underwater. I wouldn’t be a fish though. I would just be me except I could breathe. I would get to go down into the nooks and crannies where the fish go. I’d make a little house there. I didn’t want to leave when the man said that our table was ready. I went back to look when I went to bathroom. The starfish was in a different place (but I didn’t see it move).

The three men get up to throw out their trash. I go over to wipe off the table. They weren’t very neat. There are bits of fries and salt and pepper on the table. I sweep it all into my bucket and start to clean. At first I don’t hear anything because I’m trying to make sure I clean the whole table but then I see the familiar man coming over and saying something. I know that I should remember him but I can’t. Does he ride the bus with me? Does he work at Fun 4 All toys? I can’t remember and it makes me angry. He’s talking to me. “Hey retard, we’re not done.” I don’t’ know what he’s talking about so I keep wiping the table. “Idiot, we’re still eating.” He points to the table. Then I remember where I know him from. He is Steve … Steve what? Steve Grunaldi from Grand Haven High School. He was a year behind me in school. His face got fat. In school he had a locker on the east wing by where my friend Mike had his locker sophomore year. It was by Mrs. Rosenberg’s classroom. She had pizza parties on Fridays.

I see Sometimes-Nice Ron coming out from behind the counter. He’s saying something to Steve. Now I realize what I did wrong. They were coming back to their table and I wiped it down too fast. Steve and his friends are yelling at Ron. Everybody in the restaurant is staring. I’m mad at myself because Sometimes-Nice Ron has told me before that I need to wait until the customers have really gone before I clean the table. I know that. I know that.

Susan is yelling at the man from behind the register. She looks like she’s going to come out and talk to the men. Susan gets angry sometimes. One time I saw her fighting with her boyfriend in his car on her break. I was supposed to be sweeping but I stopped to watch. Her boyfriend looked at me. He had mean eyes. I didn’t like him. He threw a cigarette on the ground. I hate that even when it looks cool on the freeway when it sparks red. Ron is telling her to stay where she is. I don’t know if the men are staying anymore. I don’t know what to do.

One time when my dad and Miss Jessica were yelling at each other, dad threw a glass against the wall. It broke and I got scared and I ran and ran until the houses were gone and the fields started. I ran and saw the corn was really tall. Running past the corn made me feel like I was running super-fast. I ran for a thousand miles with the corn. I ran until my lungs felt like fire. I sat down and my world was gone. I was nowhere. The sun got all red and started to go down. It started to get dark and the shadows were everywhere and I got scared even though I know there aren’t such things as ghosts or anything. But it looked ghost-y. I was sitting down in the dirt of the road and no cars had come by. Maybe nobody would ever come by. I prayed and started to cry. I didn’t know what to do then either. I wished dad had never thrown that glass and I wished I hadn’t run and I wished mom had never left. Mom had soft brown hair. I saw headlights coming and I stopped crying because I didn’t want them to see me crying. The car stopped by me but I didn’t get up because they were Strangers but it was Miss Jessica and she drove me home. When we got home dad wasn’t there.

Steve is very angry. Ron is telling him to leave. Steve is swearing. He starts to walk away but he has to pass where I am standing. He walks real close to me and says “move it retard.” I try to get out of his way but I kind of trip on my own feet (like the time with the milk). I don’t fall but I have to let go of the bucket and catch myself and it sloshes on my pants and falls to the floor. There is water everywhere. A Big Mess. My pants are wet. I look like I peed myself. Steve and his friends laugh and leave and give Susan the bad finger which makes her even madder and she swears. Ron tells me not to worry about the bucket (even though I want to clean it up) and ways that I can go home which is nice cause it’s not even really lunchtime yet and that’s when it gets busy. I ask him if I can take the trash out anyway. He says okay. I always take the trash out before I go home. At home, Tuesdays are trash day. I do the recycling too.

I put on my jacket and remember to bring my lasagna home. It’s still lasagna day even if I’m not at work. There aren’t many bags of trash but I throw them in the cart anyway and wheel it out to the trash corral. Cows live in corrals. The trash smells so I hold my breath. The sky is still grey but there is no rain. On the lake the ships shimmer like shiny, friendly stars. I feel like I’m floating there, holding my breath like a balloon or a bobber on the water. Floating, floating, floating, never sinking until I can’t take it anymore and breathe like it’s the first breath I’ve ever taken.